Two fears that we are born with are the fear of loud noises and the fear of falling. Every other fear we have, we learn, including the fear of conflict. However, conflict at work usually has to be addressed, and effective management of employees sometimes requires difficult conversations to be undertaken.
This article looks at difficult conversations and why we avoid them. It also looks at the consequences of not confronting conflict at work and what happens when we do not have those difficult conversations.
In addition, some tips on how to have difficult conversations while reducing the chances of making things worse are provided at the base of the article.
A problem in the work context
Avoiding what needs to be said at work can grow to become a major barrier and obstacle to excellent performance. Avoiding difficult conversations is something that many of us learn from our experiences of the pain felt when we confront someone’s behaviour.
The solution, of course, is to avoid additional pain and not say what needs to be said.
What really happens is that we do not have the conversation we need to have with those with whom we need to have it. Instead, we have the conversation with anyone except the person we need to have the conversation with.
Sound familiar?
There is a person in your open-plan office who rarely achieves deadlines and who talks loudly and often. He or she talks about their social life, about how easily others take offence, about — well, anything really.
But do we confront this person?
Usually not. We will talk to others about the behaviour that we are choosing to feel upset about. We may even let others know that we could achieve more work if we did not have to put up with this person.
Over coffee, our talkative colleague becomes a monster because we cannot perform, the cause of all workplace problems, and in Australia, the cause of the worst drought in history. On days when our talkative colleague is not in the office, we all talk about that, 'Quiet in here today, isn’t it?', and we laugh about it with each other.
Reasons we avoid difficult conversations.
So why do we avoid difficult conversations — why are we so afraid to have a difficult conversation with our talkative co-worker?
Some reasons why we avoid difficult conversations are:
- We convince ourselves that talking about the problem will make the problem worse rather than resolving it.
- The cure may be worse than the disease.
- We do not want to feel bad.
- We do not want the other person to feel bad.
- We may hear things in the conversation about ourselves that we do not want to hear.
- We and/or the other person may get emotional.
- We are not sure where the conversation will end.
- We fear the consequences, retribution.
Imagine this
'Even with my eyes shut, I can tell when Eileen comes into work. She is usually late — around 10 or 15 minutes every day. She stomps in, across to her desk, makes no eye contact with the six of us between the door and Eileen’s desk — except to glare. She dumps her bag onto the desk.
I used to say, "Hi Eileen — good weekend?"
No answer was the stern reply. Sometimes she might say — "I don’t do mornings, okay?" — be more accurate to say, "I don’t do days — period!"
I don’t even say "Good morning" now.
She is rude to customers — slamming the phone down into the receiver after the call is finished. She’s rude to us — telling us never to ask. She blames her mistakes on us. Our team leader does nothing about it.
What is it like to work here — in a word? It’s like walking on eggshells all the time. I fronted her about her rudeness, and she said, "That’s the way I am — you’ll get used to it".'
No secrets
Over the last few years, we have conducted hundreds of workshops on workplace culture for businesses in every industry sector. Helping workgroups to focus on 'How we do things around here?'
We found hundreds of teams that work. Dedicated people — spending long hours doing what their customers value.
We also found teams that succeed despite their bosses. We found that uncooperative and unhelpful behaviours were tolerated. Poor performers have moved around rather than moved out. Reporting systems that emphasised positive results and buried or ignored anything negative.
We found no secrets. Everyone in the workplace knew about these unreasonable behaviours and the lack of reporting integrity.
Collaboration and respect were talked about. Disrespectful, uncooperative and abusive behaviours were tolerated, sanctioned.
People do what works. What was working in many of these workplaces was the kind of behaviour expected to be left behind after the junior years of high school.
What was missing?
One thing was common to every one of the workgroups where people reported high levels of unreasonable behaviour.
People avoided talking to those whose behaviour created problems. They talked about them and not to them. Where some had tried to talk directly with the person whose behaviour was of concern, invariably, the conversation missed the mark and created some additional problems with work relationships.
'It’s like telling someone they have bad breath.' That was how one person described it. 'You don’t do it. You know you leave some mints on their desk — ask if you had garlic for dinner last night — but eventually, you keep your distance.'
The 3Rs
The consequences of not frankly sharing our concerns about our relationships at work are clear. We call them the 3Rs.
They are:
Resistance: We have trouble separating people’s ideas from what we think of their behaviour — we tend to resist and dismiss ideas, opportunities from those whose behaviour we choose to find irritating.
Resentment: We may become resentful of the success of those who have said or done things about which we choose to become irritated and perhaps find ways to attribute their success or accomplishments to favouritism publicly.
Retaliation: We may strike back against those who we perceive have done us wrong. We may be pleased with a colleague’s poor sales results and make sure that the results become common knowledge. Some take their partner to lunch on the company credit card and excuse it by saying, 'Well, my boss doesn’t appreciate me, so I deserve lunch — after all, my partner puts up with all my late hours'.
Conflict costs
Poor relationships also cost money.
In Australia, employee turnover comes to an average of 15% a year, with typical employee replacement costs of between 48% and 61% of annual salary.
Exit interviews reveal that chronic unresolved conflict is a decisive factor in at least 50% of all employee departures — more than half.
The most common reasons for employees leaving a company are related to poor practices in preventing and managing conflict between people at work.
With the average time is taken for recruitment being 57 days, it is not uncommon for replacement costs for a manager or professional to equal 80% to 90% of an employee’s annual salary.
Psychological injury claims arise from workplace conflict — 70% of workers compensation claimants report ongoing conflict at their workplace.
WorkCover NSW figures indicate the cost of psychological injury claims is around $30 million annually and rising.
In 2003–04, Australian Government claims for psychological injury accounted for 7% of total workers compensation claims, though nearly 27% of total claim costs.
Six tips on having those difficult conversations
Acknowledge that there will be differences in how you and others see things: We all have to get on with a wide range of people at work — colleagues, customers, suppliers — you won’t like them all.
When possible, let others know how you feel in a direct and non-threatening way: Create a basis for looking collaboratively, not combatively, at what you are choosing to be concerned about.
Talk about the impact of the situation on you: Look people in the eye - let the facts talk and not your judgement of what happened.
Ask how the situation has affected them: Many hurts are not intended — we all have gaps between what we say and what we do — listen more than you talk.
Acknowledge your contribution to the situation: Someone who does not agree with you may not be wrong.
Invite the other person to work with you to make things better: What would help us to avoid doing this again?
