Here are the five most common mistakes I’ve seen when leaders set out to have difficult conversations…
1. They don’t prepare
Preparation is key and it can really calm you down in the moment. Ensure you’re across any numbers or data, and that you’ve mapped out a simple process to follow. If the conversation is about two people in conflict and you’re getting involved to solve it, make sure you have all the different versions of the story. Speak to everyone involved, get all the perspectives, and draw upon that information.
2. They have a fixed mindset
Difficult conversations must always be approached with a growth mindset, never a fixed mindset. A fixed mindset means you carry a paradigm about that individual - you believe they can’t grow any further. In your mind, they’ve gone as far as they can and that impacts your voice and language and what you say. But with a growth mindset, you believe the person can be better and this approach gives you access to ideas, thoughts, and questions that will help you coach them to grow as a leader.
3. They don’t follow a process
By following a framework for your meetings, you will have a set of sequential steps guiding you towards your outcome. You can tick off each step as you go and be comfortable knowing what’s coming next. It gives you something to refer back to, and to practise. Obviously, still be flexible in your approach, follow your instinct, but use a process as a guide for when things get tricky.
4. They do all the talking
Doing all the talking in difficult conversations can destroy rapport and trust, and make it impossible to reach a mutually agreeable outcome. Instead of leading with your thoughts, shift to asking questions. This will draw out more of the story and open their minds to how others might be impacted. On quite a number of occasions, I’ve found that the whole dynamic can change by simply letting someone share their story in depth.
5. They lead with ego
By going into a difficult conversation with ego at the helm, it becomes a situation of you versus them. You’re right, they’re wrong, and sadly no one wins because no one grows. To really achieve a positive outcome in a difficult conversation, you must leave ego at the door (which can be incredibly difficult). You will both grow if you are open to admitting mistakes, understanding their journey, and being vulnerable and authentic. Remember, to have an ego is to be human. The challenge is not to get rid of it (which is not possible), but instead to learn the role of ego and to find a way to control it and learn from it.
